SJVWC Forums
VW Lounge => OFF Topic => Topic started by: lovebus (jack) on September 25, 2012, 07:33:44 pm
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Tools Explained: was sent to me by Sonny and I thought it was so funny I had to post it.. The best part is IT'S ALL TRUE it has happened to everyone that uses tools.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh chit!'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SON-OF-A-B!*CH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B!*CH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Hope you found this informative.
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Very funny. &^rofl &^rofl
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Very funny and sadly true. I liked the Hammer and wire wheel the best.
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They all sound very familiar %$oldcit &(rage_ #banghead
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OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
or igniting your car... from someone who shall remain nameless......
" OK HERE IN WELDING THE HIGHER PORTION OF THE PATCH, the weld entered an area inside of the car, and caught the carpet on fire Poof Poof Poof !fright! At some point I saw smoke coming down under my welding helmet I thought WHAT??? ............ I pulled off my helmet and looked up to see my car completely filled with smoke! I jumped up and opened the door and saw that my back shelf area carpet was on fire!! Holy Michelle the Fire Queen, Batman!! - my first thought was "This fire is too big for me to put out!" It was getting bigger by the second and I knew that by the time I could grab my extinguisher it would be threatening the garage.
Well, for the love of my bug bawlin)0 love__..... ((and realizing I would NEVER EVER EVER hear the end of this from Jack/Pat/John) - that actually went through my mind), I dove in the car and fortunately wearing my welding gloves, sleeve-ies, and leather apron - flung myself on the fire, smacked it and rolled on it........ and in a while put it out. Not that I thought about it at the time, but I was lucky to be wearing those things cause the melted/flaming carpet would have stuck to my shirt/skin. And breathing those fumes was nasty.. @#vomit "
byeby.,
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What- aah- girl. welfde&^ ::fire::
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I have no idea of whom you are talking about...
Wire wheels I found are EXCELLENT for wringing out your shirt in that they do it with unbelivable force especially attached to a DeWalt. Mine wrung out all my sweat out of my tee shirt while I was wearing it. I could bearly get out of my shirt -took almost 1/2 hour to get the thing unjammed.... everyone be careful with power tools and other equipment. I do these things on purpose to let you all know first hand how dangerous they can be!
m
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Yes, I'm sure the G forces of that thing spinning would certainly dry out your shirt, and could also be used as a fan in a pinch thumpup)- #@rofl3
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you're tellin me...
I had to get my shirt cut to get it off....
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&^rofl
Men and power tools..... doh.gif
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Yep, I have some of those and they work just like that.